Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My moment. My venting moment.

As most of you know and some are figuring out, I am a pretty easy-going, relaxed person with a good sense of humor. There are very few things in life that upset me...and usually the things that do are stupid "little" things that most would agree are annoying....like not using turn signals, cleaning the snow off your car before driving, liars, etc. etc. But there is one thing that has really pushed my buttons since college.

I haven't told many people about this and most people do not understand, but I will try to explain as much as I can to get you to understand. You may really understand if you can answer yes to any of these questions.

Have you ever had someone that looks like you?
Are you from the same area?
Do you share the same last name and are not related?
Did you go the same college?
Did you have the same major?
Did you attempt to be friends with this person?
Did you allow this person to move in with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend to help them out?
Did the relationship go sour for one reason or another?

Creepy huh? That would be me. I have a "twin", so some people say. I don't think we look that much alike, and neither does my mother. And frankly that is all that matters at this point. It is bizarre and I can't help but wonder if God did this for a reason. I am still waiting for that reason.

We both have this in common, which as I type it, it is quite weird:
  • We both graduated from high school the same year.
  • We both have the same maiden name, yet not related.
  • We both went to the same college.
  • We both had the same major.
  • We had similar classes.
  • We were connected through my hubby who went to the same high school as her.
  • We were built similar in college.
  • We were mistaken in college as the same person, which almost landed me getting her "D" in a class instead of my "A".
  • We lived together for a year in college.

Yet we are SO different:
  • We went to different high schools, but close by.
  • I have natural blonde hair, hers is darker.
  • She has greenish eyes, mine are blue, yet both are what I call.."squinty" when we smile.
  • And among many other differences, which I don't need to mention, it is enough to say, WE ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WE ARE NOT TWINS.

One reason I do not move back home is frankly, I get sick of going to the small town where I am constantly mistaken as her or questioned, because as far as I know she still lives there. This summer I went to a friend's wedding and an old friend of my mothers and the mother of the boy my twin dated saw me and asked me if I was HER. I was fuming. This woman has seen me over and over again as ME MYSELF AND I and you would think she would know that I was not the girl who dated her son. I politely told her who I was, she apologized, and so........I drank to it.

I talked to my mom about this today and she really helped me relax and see what was important. The more I talked to her the better I felt. I can't explain well enough why it bothers me. I think it is just because I am who I am, I think I make myself known for who I am, and I want people to recognize that. I guess I just need to quit worrying about what the people back in the small town think and move on down here. This is where I get to be myself and not be mistaken for someone else.

It may sound immature and childish, but having years of this and people in college actually tell you after they realize you aren't her, that they are so glad because they didn't like her and list the reasons, you just want to look like someone else...anyone else. So stupid or not, its my problem, its the one and only thing on my Really Big Crappy List of Things that annoys me.

So I thank you for listening to my venting. I feel better now that I got it out. It has been a long time in waiting.

I would post a picture from college of the 2 of us, but I don't want to put her picture out there without her permission....because you all know me. Even when it bothers me, I still care. Gosh, she probably feels the same way!

God bless you my wonderful, loyal bloggers. I am slowly getting back on here and checking your blogs once and awhile. I miss them so much. They bring back some humor and creative ideas to my life. The part of staying home I truly miss the most (well, being with my daughter goes up there too lol). Merry Christmas guys!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Priceless Moments

Today was one of those days that priceless moments came one after another. We woke up a usual Saturday morning, however a little earlier than usual. We all piled into our queen bed and cuddled while watching cartoons. We bathed and headed out for breakfast at Bob Evans. It was a special day at Bob Evans as Santa and Mrs. Claus and an elf were there to greet us with a gift, candy cane, and free kid's meals. I couldn't have asked for more.

As we approached Santa, Syd said to me, "I love Santa."
I asked, "You do?"
And she said, "Yes I love him SO much!"

As we got closer, Daddy took Syd and held her up to Santa. Syd shied away but kept her eyes on Santa.
Santa asked Sydney, "What would you like for Christmas?"
Syd whispered, "Toys."
Santa said, "I will make sure you get some toys."
Syd smiled and hid her face in Daddy.
As we walked into Bob Evans, Sydney said to Daddy, "He better bring me a Barbie."

He was cracking up! She is such a ham!

Tonight, after the kids bathed, I got them dressed and ready for bed. I took a few pictures of my OH-so-perfect Peanut butter blossoms when Noah came running downstairs to show me why he was so excited!
He lost one of his front teeth after brushing them. He showed me the tooth and was jumping up and down. Daddy took a picture of him with his missing tooth. He looks adorable with his tooth missing!
He got his tooth ready for the tooth fairy and said, "I hope I wake up when the tooth fairy comes!"
I said, "I hope not!"

Shortly after I helped Noah get into bed, get his tooth placed under his pillow, I jumped into the bathtub. Meanwhile, Sydney was downstairs watching the Polar Express....so we thought.......

I came downstairs to be greeted by my 3 1/2 year old daughter's chocolate covered face and fingers. She handed me the bowl, which at one point, had 3 unwrapped Hershey Kisses, saw the 8 wrappings of Hershey kisses, and Hubby pointed to my not-so-peaky Hershey Kisses on top of my peanut butter blossoms I had just taken beautiful pictures of. Smashed. Destroyed. Squished to a pile of melted chocolate. As angry as I could have been, I couldn't find it in me. Hubby and I laughed so hard at her face covered in chocolate and the smile on her face. It was completely and totally priceless!! All Hubby could say was, "But she's so cute."

Needless to say, a dozen peanut butter blossoms were not so pretty, but had a story to tell.


Noah before he lost the tooth:

After Picture of Noah: Now for the other front tooth *evil eye while rubbing hands together*

Beautiful picture of my PB Blossoms:

After Sydney destroyed them one by one by pushing down the tops:



Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Home Improvement 2009

Today I broke up my routine of the same old thing.....get up, take the kids to the neighbors, go to work, come home, get Sydney, go to the bus stop to pick up Noah, do homework with Noah, throw in a load of laundry, do the dishes, make dinner, eat, clean up dinner, clean something, spend time with the kids, bath kids, put Noah to bed, pack lunches, get on FB, and then off to bed. Then on Tuesdays, throw in dance class for Sydney and on Thursdays, throw in Cub Scouts for Noah. Then hubby is gone every night by Sunday and Friday for basketball....so basically, I was tired of routine. I took off today to do just that....no routine. I put Noah on the bus and Syd and I laid on the couch for a couple hours just chatting and cuddling and watching cartoons. Now that has a ring to it....Chatting, cuddling, and cartoons :) Even when I was home, days like this didn't exist, so I was very appreciative to just have the day with Sydney.

I originally took off because I was run down from Thanksgiving break and Syd has been fighting a cold, but after we rested all morning we headed out for lunch and shopping at Target. It was a nice afternoon :) I love that she brings out the things about me that make me ME. I tend to push that aside to do the "routine" things, but when I am with Sydney, she allows me to be me. It is very nice to do that once and awhile.

Besides the same old, same old, Hubby and I decided to save money to do laminate floors and tile in our house. Our house is going on 8 years old and the carpet was shot, so we saved the money to accomplish our goal: New floors!!!

The Saturday and Sunday after Thanksgiving, my Mom, Dad, and little bro came down to help with floors. It was a LONG, exhausting job, but the hard work is showing. I am amazed at how much the floors have changed the look of my house. It is giving the look I am going for...simple, clean, and up-to-date :) My Dad work so hard putting in tile in our kitchen, and he did an awesome job. He is the tile master!!! I bow to him....his abilities amaze me everyday. I am also very proud my husband. He never really did much with his hands growing up (except feeding animals and such), so he never really learned how to do a lot, and while doing these floors, he learned how to run the saw, cut the flooring, and lay the flooring. That is about as far as it goes though, because life kicked in after "routine" started once again. That left me to do the floors. Monday I laid 50 square feet by myself and Tuesday I laid another 25 square feet. I am learning and very proud of myself :)

We still have half the house on the main floor to do, but I figure living on subfloors isn't as bad as how some people live, so we will get there someday!!

Here are some before pictures and some after pictures and a few to make you chuckle :)




So, I tried to take a full after shot but I can't find my camera cord after the moving of furniture, so you will have to visualize! lol....


The Family room BEFORE:

And after the new floors and new television (as the one pictured was replaced due to a melted cord and sparks). Next up....new furniture!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Now for the pictures to make you chuckle.....gosh if my Dad knew I was doing this......

Like Pappy like granddaughter



That just made me laugh so hard....the showing of the butt crack runs in the family!!
Here are some updated pictures of the kids.



Monday, October 12, 2009

Overwhelmed....

I am sitting here with an overwhelming anxiety while writing this post. It has been way too long and there has been a lot going on.

For one, I miss your blogs, I miss my blog, and I miss touching base with my new blogger friends I have met...I think about what you are doing Check Spellingconstantly and am having a very difficult time sitting down at the computer to catch up. This is rough.... I worked for 6 years teaching while I had my son Noah and always being a working Mom and going to staying home was an easy adjustment. But going from staying home back to being a working mom of 2 is not so much. I have adjusted nicely into my job, feel very confident with what I am doing, but finding the time after school till bedtime to spend time with my kids and do the dreaded housework is the worst part.

I really need to just let the housework go till the weekends, but always trying to keep my house tidy staying home has spoiled me....so I can't leave the house in the morning a mess and come home to it a mess. I will adjust in time I am sure...or hire a maid!!

The kids are doing well. Noah is doing awesome in 1st grade. He has lost his 2 bottom teeth, which were his first 2 baby teeth!! What an emotional time for Mommy!! He is doing so well at school with his perfect scores on spelling, reading, and math. I am proud :)




Sydney is staying with a SUPER friend of mine and is loving it. I don't know what I would do without my girl, Amy. She is watching my daughter during the day, and putting my son on the bus in the morning. She is God-sent!! Syd adjusted wonderfully to all this mainly because they are family to us. So thank goodness for that!



Hubby is teaching away, playing poker, and going to Vegas over Halloween!! I am so excited for him. I really hope he does well and goes far with it! He really enjoys playing and has gotten pretty good at it.

I, besides being overwhelmed, am loving having a paycheck!! I celebrate in the office each time I get one!! It feels great! We have been saving to do our floors that are well overdo!! I am so excited to have them done!!

I went again today for yet another blood test. My levels were lingering at 27 two weeks ago, so hopefully they are to 0 by now...gosh it feels like I have been going through this forever!
So life is good, just busy!!
I miss you all.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Still on the blogging train

I haven't fallen off the blogging train, but I am trying to fit my blogging into my life. In order to do this, I need to get my life in order. Truth is, it shouldn't be that bad because the only thing my kids are involved in is Cub Scouts. That is only one night a week. It isn't like I am running here and there every evening, but it sure feels like it. I have no routine right now. I will find my routine. I have to.

The truth is: I am spending an hour each evening to walk 4 miles with my Mommy friends. I will be the fittest chubby girl in my community at this rate. I am being careful by watching what I eat, but nothing is dropping.
Health isn't my thing right now for some reason. Hcg levels were at 97 last week, so they want me back at the end of this week to see if they are EVER going to make it to 0. September the 9th, I ended up in the ER during my workday thanks to a mix between unexplained dizzy spells ALL day long for 3 days till it got to the point where I couldn't walk and thought I was going to hurl. Apparently after stopping at Urgent care to be told I needed a referral from my PCP (what is the point of "Urgent" care anyway?) and 5.5 hours in the ER, I was diagonsed with Vertigo. Or BBPV. Very little info from the ER doctor about it, some from my PCP, and lots of research....I know that I have left lateral BBPV due to fluid in my left ear canal....nice right? Well, lets put it this way, I was a huge waste to society and my home for 5 days straight. I was healthy yet incapable of doing the smallest things. I will NEVER take my balance for granted again. EVER.

On the other hand, I have been doing some fun things the last couple weeks. We went to a WVU game with my family. Had a wonderful time with my Mommy friends! And went camping with my son and the Cub Scouts. I am trying to soak up as much time with my kids as possible in between working and cleaning this house!!
I will be back. I will keep this blog. For me. Especially. Till then....I am off to sleep. I am exhausted!! Miss your blogs and I will keep checking in!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I know right?

Two blogs in the past 2 days?? Impressive huh? I know I amazed myself on this one. However, I should be typing up a vocab quiz instead...but hey..priorities right? *chuckle*

So, a quick little update on my levels. Went to the doctor tonight to have more blood drawn to check. While there, I finally remembered to ask the girl what my levels have been the past 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago they were 2600 and on the 27th they were almost 800, which she tells me was a dramatic drop within a week. So, we are hoping this week they have dropped to around 100. We hope. I should find out tomorrow when the results come back in the morning and my doctor reads them. Till then. I continue to wait. I am thankful that I have this job to keep my mind busy because if I were home right now I would thinking about how much I want to be pregnant.

Kay enough of the "medical" stuff. I can't let that crap consume me...so let's talk 3 day weekend!! I am pumped. Nothing exciting planned. Just get caught up. Mom's Night Out on Friday night and catch up on laundry. Doing some walking with friends. That's about it. And I love the idea of it! Which means I only have to teach 4 days next week!! I only have to pack 4 lunches next week. Fill out 4 days of lesson plans. Wake up early 4 mornings. I LOVE it.

Till then....enjoy your Friday!!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Gotta get all into one.

Do you know what the hardest part is about going back to work? My blogging time. I miss this and still very much need it. I thought I would be okay doing like one post a week or every 2, but I'm not. I need to post at least every couple days. *I apologize because this maybe quite lengthy as I have been holding out*

So, I need a plan. I may have to delete my Farmville time and blog instead. I finally caught up on some people's most recent blogs with a few to still read. I am the type of person who likes to know what is going on...or I feel left out. I never liked being the first person to fall asleep at sleepovers cuz I was afraid I would miss something. I didn't like bedtime cuz I thought my parents would have a party without me. I loved being at school events cuz something drama might happen and I would miss it all. So, as you can imagine.... not making the time to be on blogger or FB is killing me.

Work is going wonderfully. I am so blessed to have gotten to stay home for 3 years with my kids. Many people don't get that option, as they should....and I did. I am so grateful for that. But....I have to say, my mind was going. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk right. The whole "Use it or Lose it" quote came to mind. And I was losing it.

Mentally, I needed this. The think I was mentally ready for another year at home knowing I was going to have a baby. I would babysit, work online, and tutor to help out, but once the miscarriage happened, I no longer felt like I was mentally ready to do it. This opportunity to take over a good friend's classroom for the year was just the mental break I needed. It was nice falling right back into place with most of the same people I worked with there 3 years ago and knowing the building, the administration, and faculty really helped me get settled right in as if I never left.

It was funny cuz when I first walked into her classroom, I just stood there. I stared. I froze. Like I didn't know what to do with this huge classroom with empty bookshelves and desks. That moment, I questioned if I could really do this. Did I really forget how to teach?
But once I got rolling, found all the textbooks and novels, started putting the classroom together, I began feeling confident once again. I got things situated the way I like to keep things. Prepared for orientation night, for the first day, and the first week. I was ready for the world.


Something in me sparked. Like I was a first-year teacher. I had the motivation and spunk of the first-year, but the experience of an older, used teacher. I was finally convinced that this was what I needed. It was like riding a bicycle. I just didn't forget.
Parent orientation went well. As usual. I was confident but explained that I, too, was a parent so I understood what it was like. I explained how important communication is to me, etc. etc.

First day: I was reminded once again what it is like to teach in a middle school. You constantly yell: Right side of the hall way, keep your hands and feet to yourselves, throw your gum away, WALK! (you get the picture right?)

Classes were wonderful. They listened, they took my Interest Inventory which didn't surprise me when they all wrote that they hated reading. (Well, all as in all the boys...a few girls liked it). Typical. They do have learning disabilities. I dislike things I am not good at too.

So let's put it this way. I pray that I can keep the motivation and interest with these kids as I have now. Day 7 of school and they are so sparked and interested as I am with teaching them reading. (You see...language was my cup of tea 3 years ago, so this is a little bit of a change and I am liking it.) I hope I am still saying this on Day 150 of the school year.
My classroom for the year. Amy C, I hope you approve :)



In a nut shell...I am loving being back to work because:

1. I love having my own mailbox in the office: I love this. I am such a dork. I love to go check my mailbox like 4 or 5 times a day. And when it is empty, I'm sad. I want something....not something to do...but something. I am so weird. But I finally appreciate having my own mailbox.

2. I get to drive in the car alone: This is fabulous. Although I made it 15 mins (almost to work) with the music cranked and singing loudly till I realized that I was singing to my son's Kidz Bop CD. Yes, we have touched on this. I am a dork. However, the other days I got to listen to trashy radio shows and my music turned up so loud that the people in the back would blow an eardrum.

3. I have my own desk: My own little cozy spot. Where no one moves my stuff, hides it in other areas (my hubby), breaks my things (my kids), and its all mine. :) I can put things where I want them. I can rearrange them anytime. My germs. My desk. Love it. (Yes. I know. I am a dork.)

4. I have super students: They are entertaining and fabulous. I love it. They challenge. I love it more. Because I will find a way to help them learn and to make them want to learn. This excites me. Again. I love it.

5. I love to visit the cooks and custodians: Dude. They are my favorite people EVA! They make me laugh and keep my spirits up. Seriously, where I am working, they are amazing people.
6. I love coming home to my kids and house: I appreciate it again. When you are always home and always with your kids, you tend to take them for granted. Being away helps me value my time with them that much more. I miss them, but I feel like when I get home I am more all about them

Okay enough about teaching: Here are some pictures of the last couple weeks of our lives:

Noah lost his first then second tooth!! :)

And we went fishing with friends!!

Noah is doing fabulous in first grade. He loves his new teacher and brags that he is ever going to flip his tag or get a red slip this year EVER! He better not EVER lol.

Syd is doing well going to my friend's each and every day. She likes being a big girl. She tells us daily that someday she will be big and ride the bus like Woah (Noah) but she is little. (in her oh-so-cute "little" speech problem) :)

Hubby is back to work with his 20 work days before the kids come after Labor Day. This is a big change for him because he is back to helping out more around the house and taking more responsibility for the kids. I like it. I like it A LOT. Him....probably not so much. Oh well.

So, I have rambled enough. Need to sleep.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Back to School

My little man went off to 1st grade today! I can't believe how much he is growing and how fast it is going. He seems like an old pro at this and so confident. A different boy than a year ago. It was hard for me this year because I wasn't able to be there at the bus stop (or any this year) to kiss him and watch him get on. Fortunately, my husband doesn't have students yet in his county, so he went in a little later to help out for Noah's first day. I felt much better knowing that. But it wasn't the same. While Noah was getting ready for school, I was on hall duty in the school and getting my classroom ready for the day. I couldn't stop thinking about him and Sydney.








He just amazes me. In this picture, I tried to snap it as he was coming off the bus, but he took off running and jumped into my arms and said, "Mommy, I had a GREAT day!" I hope he continues to say that everyday and keeps this enthusiasm for school. Because I see how students get when they go to middle school and I am scared that will someday be him. (Although with 2 parents as teachers, it is highly unlikely, because he will be tortured with education...lol).

I have been back to the "working" mom stage now for 4 complete days and I have such mixed feelings about it all. There are many things I enjoy about being a working mom and many things I miss about staying home. I miss my kids terribly. I know I have no choice with Noah because he is in school. And the only thing I am missing with him is bus pickup at 8:00. I am there when he gets home for drop-off and this year I will be able to take days off to go on field trips. I was never able to do that babysitting and staying home. I had my friends, Mary, Amy & my MIL, help me out for days that I needed to run in and tend to things, but I always felt terrible leaving them with the kids because that was my job. But this year, I can be there to spend that time with Noah.

I feel guilty for not being with my precious Sydney, however, I only did this because I have my friend Amy across the street who I know will take excellent care of my daughter. She also has a 3 year old who is Syd's best friend, so they have someone to play with all day. But I can't help but think about the time I am missing with her. Honestly, though, I have come home these last few days and I am so much more appreciative of the time of have with them. I really, truly, needed this mental break for me. And in the long run I know it is best for them if I am sane. :) I feel like I am a better Mom, more organized, and ready to tackle anything. This year will be good for me.

Tomorrow after school, I have another blood test to check my HCG levels to make sure they are falling to 0. I pray that they are there or almost there. I want my body back to normal, so we ca begin trying again. My husband can't wait for that! ;) However, I am really tired now being a working Mom lol.

My next blog will be about my classroom and what I love about being back. Till then..... keep those blogs coming. I will keep attempting to keep up as long as Hubby lets me have the computer once and awhile!!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The waiting game continues...

So here I am waiting.

I went to the Imaging building today for my 2:00 appointment. The technician snapped about 150 pictures using the ultrasound and the internal ultrasound. It was hard for me to understand what he was snapping but it looked blurry and as if it wasn't all cleared out.

The only thing I can imagine at this point is that I will need to schedule a D&C soon. I have learned that I obviously can't "plan" for everything. That is hard for a planner to learn. We were planning on trying again in October. I guess we will be put on hold for December at least.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers.

My first day of work is Friday (I guess) lol. I am waiting to find out if I am "technically" hired yet.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Extra Extra Read All About It

New job. New haircut. New clothes. New news.

So much is new. It is all happening so fast. Winding out of control fast. First day for work is Friday (That is of course I am approved to be hired). Here is a recap of the last few days.

Friday: Last day of bleeding. Energy back. Got things done around the house. Spent time with my kids.

Saturday: Laundry room was finally organized and accomplished. I tore everything out and even pulled the washer and dryer out to clean. Kids did their chores. We went to the pool. Then went scrap booking at my friend Amy's.

Sunday: Went to PA to visit with my in-laws for a few hours. The kids got to meet their new Beagle puppy (Bella) and run around outside. Noah & Syd rode the 4-wheeler with her Pap. I even tapped into my "country girl" mode and took a ride with Hubby. It felt nice just holding onto him. We then went out to my parents for a cookout outside with family who came in from NJ. Had a blast laughing and giggling around the table. I missed them. The kids ran around and played.

Monday: Super busy day. I got up, went to Maryland to shop by myself (lovely but lonely). I cashed my online job check, went to the mall, got my hair chopped off, hit up Kohls and spent 1/2 my money. I got 3 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, sunglasses, socks, a pair of shoes, and perfume using my 30% off coupon. I got so much for around $140. I was so proud. I ran back home by 1:00 so Hubby and I could leave for a check up from the M/C in Virginia. My doctor checked me and said that my uterus was small, but my urine test was still coming back positive. So they did blood work to check to see what else was going on. Again...I wait. I thought this was over. I am feeling good and back to normal. I got home late afternoon, packed my bags and headed back to PA to spend the night and Tuesday with my Mom. Just Mom & Me! She made a fabulous dinner for my sister-in-law, her, and myself. It was so yummy! We sat on the deck and had a drink. We laughed and talked and I enjoyed every second of it! (Wow I just noticed that I was in 4 different states in one day today. WV..I live. MD...I shop...VA...I went to the doctor...and PA to see my mom. I love living where we are!!)

Tuesday: Mom and I got up, went on a 3 mile country back road walk in the heat. It was so hot! We couldn't even stop sweating for quite some time. We showered and then headed to Panera Bread for lunch and of course then to shop. I spent the remaining of my money on 3 more shirts and another pair of shoes. I can't even believe what I got for $220!! I have not shopped at all for myself for the past 4 years. No joke. I get a shirt here and there but nothing like this. It was exciting!

New News: While shopping today, I got a call from my doctor's office. They said my blood work came back and my Hcg levels are still quite high. They scheduled me for an ultrasound tomorrow at 2:00 pm. Of course, I call all my Hubby and closest friends to vent my fears. I also google reasons why Hcg levels are still high after a miscarriage and think the worse. Things like ectopic pregnancies, cancer, molar pregnancy, etc. etc....I am scared to death. I just keep praying to myself that this will all be over soon and keep reminding myself that God is here. Have any of you heard of such a thing?

I am getting off here and drowning myself in a good book. Its all I can do for now. Is wait. Again.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Normalcy

Things have to get back to normal. I can't stand wasting my life away much longer. I have bought groceries once in the past 5 weeks. We are eating out way too much to the point where nothing even sounds good anymore. I desperately need home-made food, time around the dinner table with my family, and normalcy.

So, I vow to you my loyal blog readers....



  • I will buy groceries this weekend.

  • Create my menu plan

  • Feed my children 3 meals a day

  • Get into a regular schedule of early bed time and up by 8 at least! (Considering with this new job I will be getting up by 6 am) EEEKK!!

  • Get things organized quickly

  • Go school shopping
Yes. I will get my life back to normal. I need it. Desperately.

Yesterday, the four of us went to the dentist. Hubby needs to floss, I am good (Still no wisdom teeth coming in, but need braces=no money right now), Noah is cavity free again and xrays showed his big teeth are coming in. So we should be getting ready to finally lose some baby teeth soon! Syd was miserable. I have mentioned before how she LOVES to sleep till 10 or 11 everyday. As you can imagine we waking her at 8:30 to have her teeth probed and tickled was not in her "list of things to do". She kept saying she wanted to leave and play Barbies. I finally bribed her to go in and sit down. The Dental hygienist got 1/2 her teeth cleaned when she decided that she was done. We couldn't get her to open her mouth for nothing! The DH gave Noah a mask, gloves, the sucker thing, and some other items to play "dentist" with her at home. I hope it helps next time!

Then, we went to PA state park yesterday with family. We spent the day chatting, laughing, the kids swam in the lake, ate lunch together, and caught some fish and crayfish. I, however, did not take pictures. I know I know. :( Such a disappointment coming from me!

When we got home, we had a friend from back home waiting for us. Jackie caught up with us, Hubby went to tutor, we played with the kids and got ready to go out till Hubby came home. We headed out for a Girl's Night Out. We sat on the deck of our golf course lounge and chatted, laughed, and caught up. It was a beautiful night! I hope we Moms didn't scare Jackie out of having children someday! You know how Moms can be when you put us together without our kids! lol.





Today, we had routine blood work done. And I napped for like 3 hours. I am still physically exhausted. I am starting to wonder if I am anemic again. I guess I shall find out when the blood work comes back. I have been craving cheeseburgers!!



Hope everyone has fun plans for the upcoming gorgeous weekend! I plan on getting my list completed and visit with family coming in from NJ. Can't wait! I am working to catch up on everyones blogs!!

Monday, August 10, 2009

A lot to say....

But don't I always? Always have and always will. I talk my friends' ears off. I have to halt myself to make sure I ask how they are because I will just ramble and ramble just to hear myself talk. I don't do it intentionally. Cuz I do care how they are but I just expect them to jump in. Bad assumption on my part. I am working on it. Sorry Staci, I did that to you tonight....blah blah blah blah......She caught me at a time I needed to vent. And she is so easy to vent too. She just listens and truly understands. So I thank you girl.

I was going to walk tonight...alone. I was looking forward to it (a tad) as I usually walk with friends. I had my MP3 player ready and my goal was 7:00 but the sky looked so scary, so I used # 2 in my book of 500 excuses why I don't exercise. #2: The weather is bad. Poor excuse as I have a treadmill and ON DEMAND full of great exercise videos. So you ask, what did you do? Well, I sat on Facebook and caught up on blogs. I call it my mental health break. It was good for the soul.

I slowly caught up, wasted time tending to my farm on Farmville, chatted with Staci and Amy (who needs to update her blog as I am sending you there. lol.) on the phone, and read to my kids. It was a relaxing evening I must say.

*If you easily get offended, please pull away from my blog, as I am going to be very honest here*

Hubby is getting eager to have his way with me (is that clean enough?) I feel terrible, but this will all be over soon. The bleeding has slowed. Thank goodness.

I had no idea that it would be this awful. I guess, truthfully, I am so uneducated on what a miscarriage entails. I am a graphic, detailed person. Just saying bleeding and passing of tissue is not enough information for me. I should have asked someone for more graphic information. Cuz what I went through was nothing like I expected. What I felt, what I saw, how I felt during and after it, and the pain I felt was nothing like I imagined.
The contractions were TERRIBLE from Monday-Friday. They'd come and go every 2 minutes, then I would "pass" tissue and bleed. It was so painful that I buckled over in my bed in a fetal position and cried and squeezed my hubby's hand.

I have such respect for women who struggle with this and go through this over and over again. They are my heros. They are number one in my prayers at night. I want every woman who has been through a miscarriage to be blessed with a healthy full-term blessing from God. They deserve it.

I thank my doctor, my wonderful, caring doctor, for the medication that slightly took the edge off the pain. I also thank her for helping me through the most embarrassing doctor's appointment eva in which I uncontrollably bled everywhere. Oh how I wanted to die.

I thank my Hubby for his comforting hugs and touching of my hair (something I always need when in pain). His words, support, and comfort have gotten me through the last week.

I know I have thanked him before, but I can't tell him enough how much I appreciate him. I.freaking.love.him.
On a better note, things are still changing around here. Call it hormones, burn-out, or just a "break", I have decided to go back to teaching this year.

Yep, you read that right. I am leaving my current job as a "work at home mom" and heading back to teaching for the year. Just one year. I am taking a one year position just to get myself into it again for me. Something for me. This way I can save some money for the next attempt at baby #3. This is a huge decision for our family, but we feel that it is best for us. I will blog about this decision next one, as I have done it again....

Rambled, rambled, rambled......

Here are some pictures of what we have been up to.



Our cucumbers from our garden. We have picked about 6 now! The kids had fun trying them and cutting one up!


God is good.

Friday, August 7, 2009

So quiet...

You can tell that summer has the prime time! Blogging has gotten quiet...well at least until school comes back around again. I always love to hear about the upcoming school years for everyone. The new experiences, kindergartners riding the bus for the first time, organizing ideas for the school year, feelings about our kids moving on independently...etc. etc...so keep those posts coming as I love to read them!

Things are finally slowing down just in time to speed up again. It will be a quiet weekend around here. Hubby and I were motivated by our neighbors to tear out our storage in our basement and get it organized. We are slowly running out of room in this house. I can't figure out where stuff comes from. That will be Saturday's project and Sunday's project is the laundry room! YIKES! We have a laundry room right by the garage and it has become the "catch all" for everything that no one wants to put away. Hubby promised me we could get it together and organized.

I am feeling so much better today. I have continued walking through all this except on the worst day. I think that has been good to get out and chat with friends as we walk, keep my body moving, and my mind on other things. Emotionally, I am still touchy. Situation A: I had it out with a lady on the phone because she was so cold to me and she has been before in person with me and on the phone. Usually, I would just, with lack of better words "kiss her a**", but I wasn't up to being treated like an uneducated fool, so I was more aggressive than usual, only for my hubby to explain to her that I am going through a lot. I didn't need that excuse because truthfully, she deserved it.
Yeah, I guess I am irritated as well. Situation B: A set of grandparents had their granddaughter in the library today only to ignore her being nasty to my daughter at the puppet area. I politely said, "Sweetie, she doesn't want the curtain in her face." And the grandparents who heard me said nothing. The girl continued to get in my daughter's face and made her cry. I held back purposely knowing how irritated I have been. Something came over me. I stood there and looked at my daughter's face and saw the hurt in her. It felt like I was in another world for about 10 minutes. I couldn't stand it any longer. She just didn't understand why this girl she didn't know was so mean. It killed me to see my little girl' s feelings getting hurt. I payed attention more. I have been doing more of that lately. I guess when things like this happen, we are reminded of the things we have and how much we love and want to protect them. I wanted to say something which I normally wouldn't, so leaving was the only thing I could do.

The whole situation was out of character for me. I would have just worked it out with Sydney and the little girl, but the grandparents lack of discipline irritated me more than usual. I am blessed to have parents who make sure they back me up with my kids. Seeing them ignore this child's bossiness, pushing of the curtain in my daughter's face, nasty voice, and getting in her face, upset me. I know that my emotions are just whacked and my hormones as well. I feel like I am coming down off my wild ride on my roller coaster and plummeting uncontrollably to the ground.

Hubby and my family have been great. My friends are fabulous. My kids are playing well together. But there is still something missing. I know what it is and someday soon it will be filled. Till then, many changes are taking place.

I will fill all you in soon as I take care of some things first.
Thank you all for your support on Jess's blog. I know that she appreciates and loves your support and care. You guys are the best!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Sharing time

I'd love to share a blog that a friend of the family has begun. She has been through a lot the last couple years and I know that she could use the support and comfort you all have given me with my recent situation. If you wouldn't mind taking a few minutes to hop on over and start following her, I know your kind words would give her the comfort she needs. God has blessed me with such wonderful followers and I want to share my followers with her. I appreciate you checking it out ahead of time.

http://hanselfairytalelife.blogspot.com/2009/08/and-so-our-fairy-tale-begins.html


Also worth sharing...today was good. I actually was able to go grocery shopping with my kids & hubby, work online, and go for a 2.5 mile walk with friends. Each day gets a little better...however the medication they have me on makes me talk a mile a minute (I know worse than usual huh?) and a little aggressive. Oh well, I guess I can finally say what I want to say. Watch out lol...or at least till the medication wears off hahaha....

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Mommy is on Farmville...

Today my son was at a friend's house and my daughter was playing by herself in the basement, so I began harvesting and planting my crops. (Yes, Mommy was on Farmvillle). My daughter came up to show me what she had been working on in the basement. She was so proud!!! I almost died.


video


Then I went downstairs to check out what ELSE she had been working on and this is what I found.







She was so proud of her art work!! Syd has more in common with her brother than we thought!

Monday, August 3, 2009

What a day!

This was a day I never want to remember. Today was the day that I actually went through the cramping, contractions, and the "actual" miscarriage. However, after it was all said and done, I feel that I have closure. The tears fell once today and my heart broke all over again as I know that it is real. My husband was here for me all day and I can not thank him enough for being here and being so helpful and supportive. When times get tough, I proves how much he loves me and is here for me.

On a good note, we went with some friends to our local water spray park. They had a good time running around in the water with their friends. I got a couple good pictures of them since they never stopped running around like the crazy kids that they are! It is a wonderful little park because we moms can just sit on the side and see them everywhere. We can sit and chat and relax without worrying. They have great food and even better....Hershey's icecream and PEPSI products!! My favorite! (And we all know how I am with the comfort foods right now lol). After the water park, we went to a local farm market for corn on the cob and peaches. *Girls, I will send you more of the pictures today via email!*









Now that things are slowing down around here, I have to get some things done around this house. Library books are overdue, recycling has piled up, my staircase wall still needs painted, laundry needs caught up, and groceries need bought. I have been spending way too much time on the computer filling my time playing Farmville on Facebook. It keeps my mind off things and is very addicting!




I work online Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday during the afternoons, so reading future teachers' essays should keep my mind preoccupied for the week. I will then feel guilty for working online when I should be working in this house. It is a no-win situation.

At some point this week we need to get our kids up to our county fair. They absolutely love seeing the animals and we love eating the greasy food! So, I will have pictures of that soon!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Growing

Things are growing around here and it isn't just my kids. Our first vegetable garden is flourishing....well as much as a 8x4 garden can flourish. Noah and I planted everything in our little garden by seed, so he was able to watch everything grow from start to finish.

We planted cucumbers, tomatoes, beans, lettuce, mini carrots, and Noah stuck a watermelon seed in and forgot to tell us. We had to google it cuz we didn't believe him! We have already harvested our lettuce. I had so much from one plant that I had to share with the neighbors. The other day, Noah and I went out to check the garden and water it and we found that we had a carrot!! Noah shrieked in excitement! We were so excited!
So now we are waiting on the rest!

Friday, July 31, 2009

So it goes.

Today I got up as usual, started my day with a 2 1/2 mile power walk with my neighbor/friend Amy, fed the kids, did some laundry, checked my farm on FB (I know right? I am so obsessed!), watched Y&R, had an early dinner with friends, and headed to our new Target to shop for my family reunion tomorrow. As soon as I got Syd in the cart, I started walking and felt the gush.

It started. The bleeding.

I headed toward the bathroom where Hubby was with Noah, but we decided to head home instead. The tears fell again, as I know now that it is real. Everything I had hoped for is gone.

The hope that just maybe the dates were all wrong and the baby was still growing. The hope that I would go back on the 5th and a miracle would happen.

For some reason, as hurt as I feel, I am somewhat relieved to have an answer. An answer that God wanted this child with Him and He will send me another soon. I have the answer so I don't have to wait any longer to find out. Yet, it hurts all over again.

I am slowly getting closure with all this and time will heal. I will continue to have faith in God that He knows what He is doing. I will continue to feel blessed for what I have.

I want to thank my Hubby for being such an incredible rock for me. He continues to amaze me with his positive words and his ability to comfort me even when I seem to cry so much. I want to thank Amy for comforting me with hugs and my current favorite cherry Slurpees, and everyone for their positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate you all more than you know.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Journey continues....

Today I went with my hubby and kids to see our new niece who was born the same day I found out I lost mine. I can't describe to you how hard it was to go to the hospital, hear her excitement, and see her beautiful baby girl. There was not one minute that I wasn't happy for her, but it hurt so badly to see my kids and hubby hold her and smile at her. All I thought about was how wonderful my kids would be a new baby brother/sister. I know I will have that again. I trust in God that I will have that, but the pain is still so fresh. I need some closure. This walking around waiting is killing me even if it has been one day.

I was going to avoid going to see our new niece, but that isn't the right thing to do either. That is my family and I am ecstatic for them, as they are blessed. I held back the tears and when they began I use what I preach to my kids. Positive self-talk. The mind is amazing. As I talked and focused on my own children, I started to feel a smile on my face. I started to feel better.

As we went in for a late lunch to Cheddars, I got a returned phone call from my doctor. I asked her what prompted her to take me back for an ultrasound and she said that my urine analysis didn't come back as high as she wanted it. When I asked her if I could get an ultrasound before the D&C, she said, "You never know, I could be wrong, so yes, absolutely!" So, unless I go on my own between now and the 5th, I have a new appointment scheduled for August 5th for an ultrasound and then my D&C will be on the 6th.

That somehow helped in my healing process. Making that decision and knowing that there is a plan beyond this is helping me get through this.

I can NOT thank you all enough for your kind words, your prayers, and your shared experiences. I always thought that I was emphasizing with others. I always tried to listen and understand what they were going through, but nothing makes you understand until you go through it yourself. So, I do know now. I am sorry for all of your losses. I am sure you waiting for the same as I...to one day meet your little one in Heaven. God bless you all. And thank you. I am truly surrounded by the best people in the world!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Walking Coffin

I am going to just let my thoughts flow. Some advise against it and others agree I need to talk about it, and because I am a talker, I chose to take the advice on talking. I, as you can see, am not a private person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I like to talk about how I feel at any given moment. So, here it goes.

Today I had a doctor's appointment. I went in for what was supposed to be a routine appointment to verify my pregnancy, Pap, and blood work. I have known for quite some time that I was pregnant. According to my last missed period, I am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have had many symptoms such as sore, swollen breasts, sensitive to smells, and exhausted. So, my hubby and I went in with such excitement and full of plans for this little one.

After the Pap was complete and they took the urine sample back, they seemed to be taking a long time. I looked at my husband and told him I felt like something was wrong. The nurse said she wanted me to get dressed and head to the scanner/ultrasound room. I said, "Yep something is wrong." My husband tried to reassure me that it might just be procedure. But I knew otherwise.

During the vaginal ultrasound, the doctor stated that she couldn't find the heartbeat. It seemed like such a shock. An out of body experience. I couldn't focus on what she was saying. I couldn't hear anything. Like I was in a tunnel and it was spinning. Everything from the day that I read the first home pregnancy test to that moment was spinning. I just remember looking at my husband and saying, "I don't understand. I haven't had any cramping, bleeding, nothing." The tears just started to come and they wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried.

I couldn't even think what to ask. I was so confused.

I just asked, "Now what should I expect to happen?"

Words like spontaneous miscarriage, stopped growing, D & C, and a lot of bleeding, 2 weeks difference between baby's size and how far along I am, etc etc. started flying. So, the same questions ran through my mind as they run through anyone's mind who has gone through this. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Could I have done something differently? What was wrong with the baby? Why haven't I had any symptoms? Nothing makes any sense.

I know she knew what I was thinking because she said, "There was nothing you did that caused this. It is usually something that has genetically gone wrong." But it makes it easier to believe that I could have done something differently.

On Thursday, I would have been 9 weeks if my body is correct with when I think I conceived. I sat with a friend and we went through possibilities of how this baby could be behind what I thought he/she would have been. I also researched the types of miscarriages and with mine, I am considered to have a Missed Miscarriage. It is where the body doesn't recognized that the baby has died. So, I continue to show the symptoms and will eventually miscarry or need a D & C, which I pray does NOT have to happen.

I question that my cycle could be that off and I really am only 6.5 weeks as the baby measures? In that case, is it possible that the heartbeat might not be seen yet? Considering that the month before I got pregnant I had a 42 day cycle and I could be off a couple weeks with when I ovulated. Should I even have hope that it is possible that it was too early? The doctor seemed so sure.

I trust that God has a hand in this and whatever happens is what is supposed to happen for what is best for the baby. I just went home and hugged my kids. I am blessed to have the two I have. I am thankful. It just puts things more into perspective.

So, I feel like is a walking coffin. I am walking around carrying one of loves of my life who I won't get to kiss, to hold and watch grow. This is all I get. I get to wait. Wait for more emotional pain between now and August 17th. I have a scheduled appointment in case my body doesn't "spontaneously miscarry" then we will talk to the doctor about medication or a D & C. I pray that God makes this a natural process, so I don't have to do any of that. I can't take any more . Then I have to wait 2 months of "normal" cycles to try again and then another 9 months of on-the-edge fear for my baby's life.

I now understand those of you who went through this. Who feel so helpless and so empty inside. God bless you all. God bless any of you on any week you were. 8 weeks to many is nothing, but to me the second of conception, that was a baby. It is heartbreaking no matter when it happens.

So I thank you for listening, for sharing your experiences, and for being here.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Nothing.

I have nothing to say.

No great advice. No wonderful news. Just nothing.

I am sitting here at almost midnight patiently waiting for my hubby to get home from poker, so I no longer feel lonely. I find myself keeping Sydney up late with me (usually till 10:30). Then I have someone to chat and cuddle with. I would keep Noah up too, but he would still get up at the crack of dawn, whereas Syd sleeps in.

I guess I could do some updates on my oh-so-boring-life. How's that? Sounds great huh? Okay well, lets start with Noah.
Noah: Driving me nuts. New cube organizer for his room. Hope it helps with keeping his toys organized. New room darkening blinds. Hopefully he starts to sleep longer than the crack ass of dawn. Cuddled with Syd this morning in bed while she slept. He kept saying she was so adorable. Melted my heart. Wants to go back to the beach. If only I were rich. Stepped on his third honey bee today. So much for saving the honey bee population and learning his lesson on wearing shoes outside. Lost his Star Wars toys for tormenting the dog. Told me I was so beautiful as I got ready yesterday. Boosted my ego for the day.


Sydney: Told me 10 times today that she duves me. And kisses me on the lips. So my heart melted those ten times and watching her with Noah. She played all day in her new "big girl" bedroom. Not sleeping in there all night. Coming to my room in the morning (way too early morning). Found her this morning downstairs at 7:00 (after going to bed at 11 pm). Brought her back to my bed. She tells me she has to poop. Hence the 7:00 waking. Trying the baby gate at her door tonight. Drew the cutest people today on the dry erase board. I wanted to keep it forever. She said it was a ghost and Scooby was coming. Loves Scooby Doo. All-time Fav. Pigged down 2 pieces of pizza tonight. Then kissed me with sauce all over her face. I loved it. Talks for things that have no ability. Made the dog tonight. I laughed my butt off.

Me: Finished reading my friend Mary's book, My Sister's Keeper. Cried my eyeballs out. Walked 3.3 miles with my friend Amy. Still haven't showered and that was 4 hours ago. Gross right? I should be doing that instead of this. Moved Syd's room, painted, and organized all three bedrooms with only mine left to tackle. Too bad I can't find it under the 30 loads of laundry. Maybe tomorrow. I feel accomplished. Got tickets to take the kiddos to a small amusement park in PA. Looking forward to that on Wednesday. Got Cub Scouts Thursday. Just not feeling that. I feel so "not communicated' with. I have terrible gas. I opted for a Fiber One bar today for a snack and that is the outcome. So stay clear. Sweat and Gas. Hot combination. Have no memory. Been a terrible friend to many. Irritated by my hubby's inability to "try" to recycle with us, put things back where they belong, and his negative attitude today. I am happy. He should be too. Trying to find one more kid to babysit so I can pay my bills. Harvested my lettuce in my garden. Waiting on cucumbers, beans, and tomatoes. I am so excited it has taken off! Been working on catching up on your blogs. I apologize but hubby has a Facebook addiction. Heading to shower. I stink. lol. Night everyone.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sydney's "big girl" Room

As I promised, I am sharing the before/after pictures of my latest project!!

We finally came to the point that we needed to get Syd into her "big girl" bed. She turned 3 in May and was still in her crib. We finally got rid of her binky at age 3 and so this is the next step to her becoming a big girl. It is so hard now because she is waking in the middle of the night and needs to potty. She doesn't climb out of her crib, so the only solution: Switch her out of the crib.

Also, seeing that it is summer and we need to do most of our painting projects now while I am not babysitting and Hubby is home, I felt it was best to get booking on her room switch. We want the smaller of the bedrooms to be the nursery for WHEN we get pregnant (since we are working on it). This switch was not only a pain in the butt, but totally and completely worth it when your daughter looks and you and says, "I so excited Mommy!"

On Monday I took Syd to Lowes and gave her three choices of paint colors. Purple. Green. And Pink. Of course, she picked Pink. Her current bedroom is already pink, so we picked a brighter shade of pink for her "big girl" room.

I spent 3 days painting the bedroom which was a darker blue shade. First it was prime, then the pink, and finally the trim. After I finished the trim today, I started to move the stuff out of the room and move all Sydney's things in. I got the futon bed ready with her new princess comforter, which I bought from a friend.

Tonight will be her first time in her "big girl" bed!! We shall see!!


Here is her nursery room BEFORE the switch






This was AFTER the switch in her "big girl" room





She loves that she has a tv in her room. It only works with VHS tapes, but she loves it!!

It has such a different feel to it. No more baby stuff. With all these changes, I can't help but feel sad. She is growing up so fast. I want to hold onto her forever at this age. Tis life I guess. :(