Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Random B.S.

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I am so down in the dumps. It is Spring for crying out loud. I should be bouncing off the walls...excited about life....feeling energized. But this weather is messing with my head.

I am cosuming myself with is the 2 lbs I gained over the weekend and how much I just don't feel like doing anything about it right now. I tried tonight, but it didn't happen and that is only b/c I almost forgot I had obligations with a friend and went out to dinner wtih hubby and by the time I made it was 8:30. Hubby is at poker, so I had to get the kids ready for bed. So as you can imagine, I do not have the energy this late to exercise. No time. No time at all for me on a daily basis.

When I pass a Mom who has kids and looks like she came straight from a magazine, I feel the urge to punch them. Knock em out. Lay em on the ground and scream YOU MAKE ME SICK. Now, I would never do that but the feelings are there.

Jealousy is not a good thing so I tell myself that they probably neglect their children to look like that. then I hear the skinny moms whosay, "I just can't keep the fat on"...shut your BLEAKING mouth. I can't imagine saying that to any woman who struggles with their weight about your struggle to keep it on. I WILL be forced to knock you out. That is why we chubby women stick together in weight loss groups, weekly weigh ins, exercise clubs, and WW.

There really are no excuses and I am not trying to make them for myself, but....when I get a break, I read with my kids, play with them, or clean. There doesn't seem to be the 30 minutes a day to set aside for me. I was doing good for awhile with MAKING the time, but my house was falling apart as I exercised and then I feel guilty and more stressed cuz for those of you who know me know that I can't STAND living messy!! I go crazy!! Hubby is so supportive with the house falling apart so I can exercise. He tries so hard to help out but his cleaning up really just makes my life more difficult. I spend more time looking for the things he "puts" away then if I were to just do it myself!! So it was either be fat and have a clean house be thinner and have a dirty house. Choices, choices, choices.

I wish I didn't love food as much as I do. I wish I had the will power and wasn't so ADD when it comes to my weight loss. I get bored quick, frustrated, and annoyed. I just stop, things get in the way, I find other things to consume my time (organizing, cleaning, crafts, playing).

It is healthier for me to do this. I know I have more energy when I exercise and eat right. I know my complextion is better when I drink my water. But worrying about myself is SO time consuming. And frankly, I would rather get that extra 30 mins of sleep in the morning than get "ready" for the day just to sit in my house and do kiddy crafts and clean. Sometimes I don't see the point.

Then, I get ready to go somewhere and I feel depressed. At those moments I wished I would have not eaten those brownies for dessert, or drank that sweet tea, or just took 10 mins to jump on my treadmill while the kids play/nap. I know I will find a balance someday, but until then, I am going to be fine with who I am....besides if God sends us another baby, then I will just pork up anyway. Then what?? It will be another jump on the weightloss bandwagon once again. I just want to be 160 lbs and a size 10 and never struggle to stay there. No flucutating, no challenge, just a healthy me. Someday. I. Will. Get. There.

Till then....I will just complain and vent to you, my blogland friends. Thanks for listening to my rants. My mom knows me...sometimes I just talk through my thought processes and I come up with a plan. So hopefully this will help me sleep tonight and I can come up with a plan.

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Anonymous said...

Oh, honey, I feel your pain.
I go thru the exact same thought processes every flipping day.
Ironically, I haven't worked out in over a week and I lost three pounds. Sorry - but it's really weird, I stopped taking CLA (fat burner), stopped lifting weights and I even felt lighter. I was even thinking of blogging about it.
Just listen to your body. Not everyone was meant to pound it out on a treadmill everyday. Look at the people in Europe. They don't have a health club on every block -and they just get exercise
by "doing things". There is no way you are sitting around - not with two kids and others to watch! Go easy on yourself and make small changes a little at a time. Take the kids for a walk outside instead. Race them to the end of the street and back three times. you know, change it up a bit.
I have learned that I need routines to function properly, but my routine will change after a while. In other words, you need to have a flexible routine.
Tomorrow is a new day. Start fresh. *hugs*.

Liz said...

I am right there with you! I too gained 2 pounds over the weekend. I haven't had time to exercise in two weeks and I feel like a lump! As long as you are comfortable in your body don't beat yourself up about it! I too want to punch the snot out of those stick thin Moms! My goal is to get back on track Monday (I'm going scrapbooking this weekend and you know how much yummy food they have there!). Just do what makes you happy =)

Evil Twin's Wife said...

It's hard to fit it all in just in one day! I started doing a Pilates DVD and was doing well, then hit a snag and haven't been able to find time in about a week. Just do the best you can - the tide will change.

Johnnie Avocado said...

I maybe stepping out of line here, but I actually dislike the trim/fit magazine woman. Most men prefer women to have something to keep the fun going! I'm definitely not "Mr. GQ" here but that's my two cents...

Sara said...

Hugs girl! You are BEAUTIFUL! I could relate with so much of your post.

tracy said...

alicia, give your self a had an awesome weekend and if you eat enough fiber you can poop the 2 lbs out in a day or hard to keep the motivation....maybe a girlfriend in the neighborhood could walk with you when hubby gets home so you can kill two birds with one stone...talking, and walking....

Courtney said...

I agree with everyone. Hang in there, Lisha. You're gorgeous regardless of your weight!

I wish I had a few minutes of _Me-Time", too. I force myself to exercise - but I hate it. I bitch and moan my way through it, too. And when I miss a day, I don't feel guilty about it. It doesn't do me any good.

Liz is right - do what makes you happy. Feel good about yourself. That's the most important thing.

Lisha said...

You guys are wonderful. YOu seriously picked me up today. Made me feel better so I ate some movie butter style popcorn LMAO....Thanks Daddy ON diaper detail...hubby likes me a little meatier too :) *Sniff sniff* I feel so loved by all of you :)

Mary said...

Hey if you wait till you're 50 and lose it then you don't have as long to keep it off as you do now. That's your mom's philosopy! You are fine and you need to follow your own advice to me. It won't all come off in one day/week/month. One step at a time.
love ya,

Cameron said...

You're beautiful....stop worrying.