Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I am so down in the dumps. It is Spring for crying out loud. I should be bouncing off the walls...excited about life....feeling energized. But this weather is messing with my head.
I am cosuming myself with is the 2 lbs I gained over the weekend and how much I just don't feel like doing anything about it right now. I tried tonight, but it didn't happen and that is only b/c I almost forgot I had obligations with a friend and went out to dinner wtih hubby and by the time I made it home...it was 8:30. Hubby is at poker, so I had to get the kids ready for bed. So as you can imagine, I do not have the energy this late to exercise. No time. No time at all for me on a daily basis.
When I pass a Mom who has kids and looks like she came straight from a magazine, I feel the urge to punch them. Knock em out. Lay em on the ground and scream YOU MAKE ME SICK. Now, I would never do that but the feelings are there.
Jealousy is not a good thing so I tell myself that they probably neglect their children to look like that. then I hear the skinny moms whosay, "I just can't keep the fat on"...shut your BLEAKING mouth. I can't imagine saying that to any woman who struggles with their weight about your struggle to keep it on. I WILL be forced to knock you out. That is why we chubby women stick together in weight loss groups, weekly weigh ins, exercise clubs, and WW.
There really are no excuses and I am not trying to make them for myself, but....when I get a break, I read with my kids, play with them, or clean. There doesn't seem to be the 30 minutes a day to set aside for me. I was doing good for awhile with MAKING the time, but my house was falling apart as I exercised and then I feel guilty and more stressed cuz for those of you who know me know that I can't STAND living messy!! I go crazy!! Hubby is so supportive with the house falling apart so I can exercise. He tries so hard to help out but his cleaning up really just makes my life more difficult. I spend more time looking for the things he "puts" away then if I were to just do it myself!! So it was either be fat and have a clean house be thinner and have a dirty house. Choices, choices, choices.
I wish I didn't love food as much as I do. I wish I had the will power and wasn't so ADD when it comes to my weight loss. I get bored quick, frustrated, and annoyed. I just stop, things get in the way, I find other things to consume my time (organizing, cleaning, crafts, playing).
It is healthier for me to do this. I know I have more energy when I exercise and eat right. I know my complextion is better when I drink my water. But worrying about myself is SO time consuming. And frankly, I would rather get that extra 30 mins of sleep in the morning than get "ready" for the day just to sit in my house and do kiddy crafts and clean. Sometimes I don't see the point.
Then, I get ready to go somewhere and I feel depressed. At those moments I wished I would have not eaten those brownies for dessert, or drank that sweet tea, or just took 10 mins to jump on my treadmill while the kids play/nap. I know I will find a balance someday, but until then, I am going to be fine with who I am....besides if God sends us another baby, then I will just pork up anyway. Then what?? It will be another jump on the weightloss bandwagon once again. I just want to be 160 lbs and a size 10 and never struggle to stay there. No flucutating, no challenge, just a healthy me. Someday. I. Will. Get. There.
Till then....I will just complain and vent to you, my blogland friends. Thanks for listening to my rants. My mom knows me...sometimes I just talk through my thought processes and I come up with a plan. So hopefully this will help me sleep tonight and I can come up with a plan.