Friday, July 31, 2009
It started. The bleeding.
I headed toward the bathroom where Hubby was with Noah, but we decided to head home instead. The tears fell again, as I know now that it is real. Everything I had hoped for is gone.
The hope that just maybe the dates were all wrong and the baby was still growing. The hope that I would go back on the 5th and a miracle would happen.
For some reason, as hurt as I feel, I am somewhat relieved to have an answer. An answer that God wanted this child with Him and He will send me another soon. I have the answer so I don't have to wait any longer to find out. Yet, it hurts all over again.
I am slowly getting closure with all this and time will heal. I will continue to have faith in God that He knows what He is doing. I will continue to feel blessed for what I have.
I want to thank my Hubby for being such an incredible rock for me. He continues to amaze me with his positive words and his ability to comfort me even when I seem to cry so much. I want to thank Amy for comforting me with hugs and my current favorite cherry Slurpees, and everyone for their positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate you all more than you know.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I was going to avoid going to see our new niece, but that isn't the right thing to do either. That is my family and I am ecstatic for them, as they are blessed. I held back the tears and when they began I use what I preach to my kids. Positive self-talk. The mind is amazing. As I talked and focused on my own children, I started to feel a smile on my face. I started to feel better.
As we went in for a late lunch to Cheddars, I got a returned phone call from my doctor. I asked her what prompted her to take me back for an ultrasound and she said that my urine analysis didn't come back as high as she wanted it. When I asked her if I could get an ultrasound before the D&C, she said, "You never know, I could be wrong, so yes, absolutely!" So, unless I go on my own between now and the 5th, I have a new appointment scheduled for August 5th for an ultrasound and then my D&C will be on the 6th.
That somehow helped in my healing process. Making that decision and knowing that there is a plan beyond this is helping me get through this.
I can NOT thank you all enough for your kind words, your prayers, and your shared experiences. I always thought that I was emphasizing with others. I always tried to listen and understand what they were going through, but nothing makes you understand until you go through it yourself. So, I do know now. I am sorry for all of your losses. I am sure you waiting for the same as I...to one day meet your little one in Heaven. God bless you all. And thank you. I am truly surrounded by the best people in the world!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Today I had a doctor's appointment. I went in for what was supposed to be a routine appointment to verify my pregnancy, Pap, and blood work. I have known for quite some time that I was pregnant. According to my last missed period, I am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have had many symptoms such as sore, swollen breasts, sensitive to smells, and exhausted. So, my hubby and I went in with such excitement and full of plans for this little one.
After the Pap was complete and they took the urine sample back, they seemed to be taking a long time. I looked at my husband and told him I felt like something was wrong. The nurse said she wanted me to get dressed and head to the scanner/ultrasound room. I said, "Yep something is wrong." My husband tried to reassure me that it might just be procedure. But I knew otherwise.
During the vaginal ultrasound, the doctor stated that she couldn't find the heartbeat. It seemed like such a shock. An out of body experience. I couldn't focus on what she was saying. I couldn't hear anything. Like I was in a tunnel and it was spinning. Everything from the day that I read the first home pregnancy test to that moment was spinning. I just remember looking at my husband and saying, "I don't understand. I haven't had any cramping, bleeding, nothing." The tears just started to come and they wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried.
I couldn't even think what to ask. I was so confused.
I just asked, "Now what should I expect to happen?"
Words like spontaneous miscarriage, stopped growing, D & C, and a lot of bleeding, 2 weeks difference between baby's size and how far along I am, etc etc. started flying. So, the same questions ran through my mind as they run through anyone's mind who has gone through this. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Could I have done something differently? What was wrong with the baby? Why haven't I had any symptoms? Nothing makes any sense.
I know she knew what I was thinking because she said, "There was nothing you did that caused this. It is usually something that has genetically gone wrong." But it makes it easier to believe that I could have done something differently.
On Thursday, I would have been 9 weeks if my body is correct with when I think I conceived. I sat with a friend and we went through possibilities of how this baby could be behind what I thought he/she would have been. I also researched the types of miscarriages and with mine, I am considered to have a Missed Miscarriage. It is where the body doesn't recognized that the baby has died. So, I continue to show the symptoms and will eventually miscarry or need a D & C, which I pray does NOT have to happen.
I question that my cycle could be that off and I really am only 6.5 weeks as the baby measures? In that case, is it possible that the heartbeat might not be seen yet? Considering that the month before I got pregnant I had a 42 day cycle and I could be off a couple weeks with when I ovulated. Should I even have hope that it is possible that it was too early? The doctor seemed so sure.
I trust that God has a hand in this and whatever happens is what is supposed to happen for what is best for the baby. I just went home and hugged my kids. I am blessed to have the two I have. I am thankful. It just puts things more into perspective.
So, I feel like is a walking coffin. I am walking around carrying one of loves of my life who I won't get to kiss, to hold and watch grow. This is all I get. I get to wait. Wait for more emotional pain between now and August 17th. I have a scheduled appointment in case my body doesn't "spontaneously miscarry" then we will talk to the doctor about medication or a D & C. I pray that God makes this a natural process, so I don't have to do any of that. I can't take any more . Then I have to wait 2 months of "normal" cycles to try again and then another 9 months of on-the-edge fear for my baby's life.
I now understand those of you who went through this. Who feel so helpless and so empty inside. God bless you all. God bless any of you on any week you were. 8 weeks to many is nothing, but to me the second of conception, that was a baby. It is heartbreaking no matter when it happens.
So I thank you for listening, for sharing your experiences, and for being here.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
She loves that she has a tv in her room. It only works with VHS tapes, but she loves it!!
It has such a different feel to it. No more baby stuff. With all these changes, I can't help but feel sad. She is growing up so fast. I want to hold onto her forever at this age. Tis life I guess. :(
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I apologize for the hundreds of pictures, but I uploaded them for family through my Picasa Web Albums and is just faster to add it on here than upload more pictures again. I know you understand :)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
5. Here are some pictures of my scrapbook pages I got done the other night with my friends. I think they turned out pretty good. A couple of them I really like. The kids loved seeing them the next morning!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
So after the shampooing was done and while Noah watched Star Wars, Syd and I made Rice Krispy treats. I was craving them like mad and the kids LOVE them like they love toys. So a special treat for all of us!! Syd was so darn cute, I started taking pictures left and right and found that I couldnt' stop myself. She made it hard to stop with her cute smiles and silly faces. Then Noah, of course, jumped in and I couldn't get enough of them. Seriously. Is it crazy that I love these little creatures this much?? Well, today anyway. lol.
Night ya'll from Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.