Friday, July 31, 2009

So it goes.

Today I got up as usual, started my day with a 2 1/2 mile power walk with my neighbor/friend Amy, fed the kids, did some laundry, checked my farm on FB (I know right? I am so obsessed!), watched Y&R, had an early dinner with friends, and headed to our new Target to shop for my family reunion tomorrow. As soon as I got Syd in the cart, I started walking and felt the gush.

It started. The bleeding.

I headed toward the bathroom where Hubby was with Noah, but we decided to head home instead. The tears fell again, as I know now that it is real. Everything I had hoped for is gone.

The hope that just maybe the dates were all wrong and the baby was still growing. The hope that I would go back on the 5th and a miracle would happen.

For some reason, as hurt as I feel, I am somewhat relieved to have an answer. An answer that God wanted this child with Him and He will send me another soon. I have the answer so I don't have to wait any longer to find out. Yet, it hurts all over again.

I am slowly getting closure with all this and time will heal. I will continue to have faith in God that He knows what He is doing. I will continue to feel blessed for what I have.

I want to thank my Hubby for being such an incredible rock for me. He continues to amaze me with his positive words and his ability to comfort me even when I seem to cry so much. I want to thank Amy for comforting me with hugs and my current favorite cherry Slurpees, and everyone for their positive thoughts and prayers. I appreciate you all more than you know.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Journey continues....

Today I went with my hubby and kids to see our new niece who was born the same day I found out I lost mine. I can't describe to you how hard it was to go to the hospital, hear her excitement, and see her beautiful baby girl. There was not one minute that I wasn't happy for her, but it hurt so badly to see my kids and hubby hold her and smile at her. All I thought about was how wonderful my kids would be a new baby brother/sister. I know I will have that again. I trust in God that I will have that, but the pain is still so fresh. I need some closure. This walking around waiting is killing me even if it has been one day.

I was going to avoid going to see our new niece, but that isn't the right thing to do either. That is my family and I am ecstatic for them, as they are blessed. I held back the tears and when they began I use what I preach to my kids. Positive self-talk. The mind is amazing. As I talked and focused on my own children, I started to feel a smile on my face. I started to feel better.

As we went in for a late lunch to Cheddars, I got a returned phone call from my doctor. I asked her what prompted her to take me back for an ultrasound and she said that my urine analysis didn't come back as high as she wanted it. When I asked her if I could get an ultrasound before the D&C, she said, "You never know, I could be wrong, so yes, absolutely!" So, unless I go on my own between now and the 5th, I have a new appointment scheduled for August 5th for an ultrasound and then my D&C will be on the 6th.

That somehow helped in my healing process. Making that decision and knowing that there is a plan beyond this is helping me get through this.

I can NOT thank you all enough for your kind words, your prayers, and your shared experiences. I always thought that I was emphasizing with others. I always tried to listen and understand what they were going through, but nothing makes you understand until you go through it yourself. So, I do know now. I am sorry for all of your losses. I am sure you waiting for the same as I...to one day meet your little one in Heaven. God bless you all. And thank you. I am truly surrounded by the best people in the world!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Walking Coffin

I am going to just let my thoughts flow. Some advise against it and others agree I need to talk about it, and because I am a talker, I chose to take the advice on talking. I, as you can see, am not a private person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I like to talk about how I feel at any given moment. So, here it goes.

Today I had a doctor's appointment. I went in for what was supposed to be a routine appointment to verify my pregnancy, Pap, and blood work. I have known for quite some time that I was pregnant. According to my last missed period, I am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have had many symptoms such as sore, swollen breasts, sensitive to smells, and exhausted. So, my hubby and I went in with such excitement and full of plans for this little one.

After the Pap was complete and they took the urine sample back, they seemed to be taking a long time. I looked at my husband and told him I felt like something was wrong. The nurse said she wanted me to get dressed and head to the scanner/ultrasound room. I said, "Yep something is wrong." My husband tried to reassure me that it might just be procedure. But I knew otherwise.

During the vaginal ultrasound, the doctor stated that she couldn't find the heartbeat. It seemed like such a shock. An out of body experience. I couldn't focus on what she was saying. I couldn't hear anything. Like I was in a tunnel and it was spinning. Everything from the day that I read the first home pregnancy test to that moment was spinning. I just remember looking at my husband and saying, "I don't understand. I haven't had any cramping, bleeding, nothing." The tears just started to come and they wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried.

I couldn't even think what to ask. I was so confused.

I just asked, "Now what should I expect to happen?"

Words like spontaneous miscarriage, stopped growing, D & C, and a lot of bleeding, 2 weeks difference between baby's size and how far along I am, etc etc. started flying. So, the same questions ran through my mind as they run through anyone's mind who has gone through this. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Could I have done something differently? What was wrong with the baby? Why haven't I had any symptoms? Nothing makes any sense.

I know she knew what I was thinking because she said, "There was nothing you did that caused this. It is usually something that has genetically gone wrong." But it makes it easier to believe that I could have done something differently.

On Thursday, I would have been 9 weeks if my body is correct with when I think I conceived. I sat with a friend and we went through possibilities of how this baby could be behind what I thought he/she would have been. I also researched the types of miscarriages and with mine, I am considered to have a Missed Miscarriage. It is where the body doesn't recognized that the baby has died. So, I continue to show the symptoms and will eventually miscarry or need a D & C, which I pray does NOT have to happen.

I question that my cycle could be that off and I really am only 6.5 weeks as the baby measures? In that case, is it possible that the heartbeat might not be seen yet? Considering that the month before I got pregnant I had a 42 day cycle and I could be off a couple weeks with when I ovulated. Should I even have hope that it is possible that it was too early? The doctor seemed so sure.

I trust that God has a hand in this and whatever happens is what is supposed to happen for what is best for the baby. I just went home and hugged my kids. I am blessed to have the two I have. I am thankful. It just puts things more into perspective.

So, I feel like is a walking coffin. I am walking around carrying one of loves of my life who I won't get to kiss, to hold and watch grow. This is all I get. I get to wait. Wait for more emotional pain between now and August 17th. I have a scheduled appointment in case my body doesn't "spontaneously miscarry" then we will talk to the doctor about medication or a D & C. I pray that God makes this a natural process, so I don't have to do any of that. I can't take any more . Then I have to wait 2 months of "normal" cycles to try again and then another 9 months of on-the-edge fear for my baby's life.

I now understand those of you who went through this. Who feel so helpless and so empty inside. God bless you all. God bless any of you on any week you were. 8 weeks to many is nothing, but to me the second of conception, that was a baby. It is heartbreaking no matter when it happens.

So I thank you for listening, for sharing your experiences, and for being here.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Nothing.

I have nothing to say.

No great advice. No wonderful news. Just nothing.

I am sitting here at almost midnight patiently waiting for my hubby to get home from poker, so I no longer feel lonely. I find myself keeping Sydney up late with me (usually till 10:30). Then I have someone to chat and cuddle with. I would keep Noah up too, but he would still get up at the crack of dawn, whereas Syd sleeps in.

I guess I could do some updates on my oh-so-boring-life. How's that? Sounds great huh? Okay well, lets start with Noah.
Noah: Driving me nuts. New cube organizer for his room. Hope it helps with keeping his toys organized. New room darkening blinds. Hopefully he starts to sleep longer than the crack ass of dawn. Cuddled with Syd this morning in bed while she slept. He kept saying she was so adorable. Melted my heart. Wants to go back to the beach. If only I were rich. Stepped on his third honey bee today. So much for saving the honey bee population and learning his lesson on wearing shoes outside. Lost his Star Wars toys for tormenting the dog. Told me I was so beautiful as I got ready yesterday. Boosted my ego for the day.


Sydney: Told me 10 times today that she duves me. And kisses me on the lips. So my heart melted those ten times and watching her with Noah. She played all day in her new "big girl" bedroom. Not sleeping in there all night. Coming to my room in the morning (way too early morning). Found her this morning downstairs at 7:00 (after going to bed at 11 pm). Brought her back to my bed. She tells me she has to poop. Hence the 7:00 waking. Trying the baby gate at her door tonight. Drew the cutest people today on the dry erase board. I wanted to keep it forever. She said it was a ghost and Scooby was coming. Loves Scooby Doo. All-time Fav. Pigged down 2 pieces of pizza tonight. Then kissed me with sauce all over her face. I loved it. Talks for things that have no ability. Made the dog tonight. I laughed my butt off.

Me: Finished reading my friend Mary's book, My Sister's Keeper. Cried my eyeballs out. Walked 3.3 miles with my friend Amy. Still haven't showered and that was 4 hours ago. Gross right? I should be doing that instead of this. Moved Syd's room, painted, and organized all three bedrooms with only mine left to tackle. Too bad I can't find it under the 30 loads of laundry. Maybe tomorrow. I feel accomplished. Got tickets to take the kiddos to a small amusement park in PA. Looking forward to that on Wednesday. Got Cub Scouts Thursday. Just not feeling that. I feel so "not communicated' with. I have terrible gas. I opted for a Fiber One bar today for a snack and that is the outcome. So stay clear. Sweat and Gas. Hot combination. Have no memory. Been a terrible friend to many. Irritated by my hubby's inability to "try" to recycle with us, put things back where they belong, and his negative attitude today. I am happy. He should be too. Trying to find one more kid to babysit so I can pay my bills. Harvested my lettuce in my garden. Waiting on cucumbers, beans, and tomatoes. I am so excited it has taken off! Been working on catching up on your blogs. I apologize but hubby has a Facebook addiction. Heading to shower. I stink. lol. Night everyone.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sydney's "big girl" Room

As I promised, I am sharing the before/after pictures of my latest project!!

We finally came to the point that we needed to get Syd into her "big girl" bed. She turned 3 in May and was still in her crib. We finally got rid of her binky at age 3 and so this is the next step to her becoming a big girl. It is so hard now because she is waking in the middle of the night and needs to potty. She doesn't climb out of her crib, so the only solution: Switch her out of the crib.

Also, seeing that it is summer and we need to do most of our painting projects now while I am not babysitting and Hubby is home, I felt it was best to get booking on her room switch. We want the smaller of the bedrooms to be the nursery for WHEN we get pregnant (since we are working on it). This switch was not only a pain in the butt, but totally and completely worth it when your daughter looks and you and says, "I so excited Mommy!"

On Monday I took Syd to Lowes and gave her three choices of paint colors. Purple. Green. And Pink. Of course, she picked Pink. Her current bedroom is already pink, so we picked a brighter shade of pink for her "big girl" room.

I spent 3 days painting the bedroom which was a darker blue shade. First it was prime, then the pink, and finally the trim. After I finished the trim today, I started to move the stuff out of the room and move all Sydney's things in. I got the futon bed ready with her new princess comforter, which I bought from a friend.

Tonight will be her first time in her "big girl" bed!! We shall see!!


Here is her nursery room BEFORE the switch






This was AFTER the switch in her "big girl" room





She loves that she has a tv in her room. It only works with VHS tapes, but she loves it!!

It has such a different feel to it. No more baby stuff. With all these changes, I can't help but feel sad. She is growing up so fast. I want to hold onto her forever at this age. Tis life I guess. :(

Friday, July 24, 2009

Great visit with friends

We had a fabulous visit with our old neighbors/friends. They used to live across the street from us! Sadly, they moved to Pittsburgh a few years back. However, we still catch up once and awhile.

On their way to the beach, they stopped in for a stay. We had a great time catching up, laughing, and sharing our life adventures. The kids played hard in every room of the house, we chuckled at good times, and ate warm yummy brownies and Debby brought us Eat N Park cookies....a favorite of ours. But since we have no Eat N Parks around us, she brought them to spoil us!!







Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm back, well, sorta

I am quickly writing this blog as the computer is mine for the next oh...20 mins as Hubby has Noah up at the pool and I got to come back (willingly) with Syd. She just was not in the mood for swimming.
Gotta make it quick as Hubby will return and demand his time to play "Bejeweled Blitz" on FB. He can't stand not being in first place, therefore he is hogging MY computer time.
I pray that the game crashes and isn't back up and working till he goes back to work in September!
So, here I am ready to blog about my wonderful beach trip.
Myrtle Beach July 11-18, 2009
We typically stay at a resort either in North Myrtle or Myrtle Beach, but this year we went for an ocean front beach house in Garden City, SC. We were blessed to have my parents and my grandfather join us for the vacation.
They left Saturday morning and graciously took Noah with them. They got down there, checked in, and enjoyed the house Saturday night. We left at 11:30 pm on Saturday night and got there about 7:00ish on Sunday morning.
I was so excited to run out on the beach and get my toes in the sand!
So, my Mom, Syd, Noah, and I ventured out across the dunes to the beach. No crap, I find the one nail that is sticking up 1/4 of an inch and snag the bottom of my foot on it. I bled till we got back to the beach house when I took a closer look at the tear. It took my top MILLION layers of skin and torn it back leaving a flap of skin with a huge hole in my foot. I cleaned it out but it hurt like hell.
How does this sh*t happen to me? Seriously, I wasn't even there 20 minutes when this happened! Needless to say, I hobbled around and whined like a 4 year old the rest of the week.
Sorry, no pictures were taken of that. It was WAY too nasty even I, picture queen, could not bring myself to snap a shot of it.
We ate out all week at some THE tastiest restaurants ever. We spent most of our money eating out at the restaurants in Murrells Inlet. Amazing. Simply. Amazing. Food.
We ate at Creek Ratz, Drunken Jacks, and Flo's Place. Personally, my favorite was Drunken Jacks. The atmosphere looking out on the inlet, the kids catching crabs below us, and the fact that Hubby and I got to go alone (for an anniversary dinner) made it that much better. The hushpuppies with honey butter were to die for. Seriously. Met my needs. And yes, I love them so much I would marry them.
We also hit up a terrible seafood buffet. Seafood buffets are so overrated anyway. However, my mother falling off her chair and my sweet tea made the trip that much better :) Sorry Mom, your misfortunes did make everyone, I mean our family laugh.
Then, we went to Bojangles for lunch one day and Dick's Last Resort for some laughs. I was a little worried about taking my family here given that they don't always have the sense of humor as I do, but they played along and seemed to enjoy it once they were given their hats. And yes, I do have pictures, so I will add those below too!
We ate in one night of the week. We had planned for more, but seeing that the restaurants were so yummy, we couldn't stay away.
This is the first year that we didn't hit up the 5,000 attractions. We didn't go see our usual Dixie Stampede, Alligator Adventure, or Ripley's Aquarium (which once you have seen once you have seen enough). We did, however, go to Broadway on the Beach a couple times for shopping and walking around. We took the kids to see Under the Sea at the 3D IMAX theatre. They LOVED that. We went to Barefoot Landing once which was enough. We spent most of the days on the beach, in the pool, and in the house spending time with the family. And that in itself was awesome. We had no desires to run around. My parents took the kids to Brook Green Gardens in Murrell's Inlet. The loved seeing the animals, statues, and the flowers.

I apologize for the hundreds of pictures, but I uploaded them for family through my Picasa Web Albums and is just faster to add it on here than upload more pictures again. I know you understand :)




Now that I am home, I am moving my daughter over to another bedroom in our home. It is bigger and she needs the space for all her girly toys. So, I painted it a pink shade and still need to work on the trim before I snap pictures and post. I also have to get caught up with this crazy house. I had it spotless before leaving for the beach, but as usual, it is back to it's disorganized state.
And as for as decisions, we are still working on baby number 3 and we have made the decision that I stay home another year. So, here I am. I will continue my oh-so-boring blog and try to keep my sanity!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Be back soon....

I have been so busy lately. I have taken on as many projects as possible to get 'caught' up with life, so I will be on less and less till I get back from the beach.
We are leaving Saturday for Myrtle Beach area and will return next week. If I had my choice I would just move down there and never return, but that isn't a choice. However, I am blessed to have the opportunity to enjoy a beach vacation with my family.
It is usually just Hubby, Me, and the kids, but this summer, we talked my Mom, Dad, and Grandfather to join us for the week. We rented an oceanfront beach house with a pool. I am so excited to not have to take an elevator up and down to the beach and back, as we usually do when we stay at a resort.

Growing up, we often got a house close to the beach or on the opposite side, and I love the idea of being in a "house" opposed to a condo. I can't wait for my kids to make cherished memories with their grandparents and Great-grandfather.

Prayers for a friend who has had her second miscarriage after the 20 week point. I pray for her and her husband, who want children dearly, that the third time is the charm. She will be a super Mother and God will bless her with a baby.


I will be back to catch up on all your wonderful, entertaining blogs as soon as I return. I am taking my laptop, so I will try to check in with some pictures throughout the week.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Yard and Scrapbook pages

For lack of a better title....it works.

Updates for my readers who are maybe wondering:

1. Still actively trying for baby #3. We started trying in June and will continue till it happens.

2. The Robin under the deck survives with one offspring and has laid 4 new eggs. And I was sad to hear that bird murderer cat has passed away. My kids loved him and it is sad to hear of his passing. Max...you will be missed by the kids, but not the birds.

3. The slugs have been gone since my neighbor gave me slug poison. Noah is crushed as he liked to play with the slugs. *gag*

4. We are heading to our Alma mater tomorrow for the 4th. It will be nice to visit with our old college friends and have our kids catch up. They are doing a picnic and fireworks, so it will be so much fun to getaway for the weekend.

5. Here are some pictures of my scrapbook pages I got done the other night with my friends. I think they turned out pretty good. A couple of them I really like. The kids loved seeing them the next morning!







6. I worked in the yard yesterday and got my million Rose of Sharon babies pulled out. It was ridiculous how fast they spread everywhere!!





So the yard is all cleaned up and ready for the rest of summer!



Have a safe and happy 4th of July to everyone!!!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Why is it always about food?


After a wonderful day with friends at the park, the kids played outside together on the playground and in the garage with the Barbies. I got a quick nap due to my late night scrapbooking session with my girls, Amy & Tiffany.

We started last night around 9:30 and didn't stop till 3:30 in the morning. It makes it easy since she lives right across the street! I got all of Noah's cub scout camping pages done, and a layout of Syd with her friends at the park. I am pretty happy with them, and once I feel the energy to run and get my camera, I will take and post some pictures of my latest creations.


And tonight I feel accomplished. Hubby helped me rearrange my master bedroom. I have been wanting to put it back to its original position but kept putting it off. A wonderful friend, Mary, got me one of those Vinyl quotes for the wall and where I had the bed placed wasn't working, so we moved it. The saying is up and I love it. It says, "Always Kiss Me Goodnight" right above my bed. So thank you Mary for being the most thoughtful person I know! I love it! Also, the nightstand is cleaned off and things are dusted and back into place. I feel revived again. And with all the caulking I did in the master bathroom and the kid's bathroom yesterday, things feel fresh again... I love feeling fresh! *chuckle*


Then, I shampooed the carpets in the front room, the dining room, and the living room. They needed it terribly and I have been putting it off. But with mucho thanks to my lovely dog, Elliott, I got to get yet another thing crossed off my list. He is known for his puking episodes close to grooming time. Not sure if it is his signal to let me know it is time for his spa day or not, but his appointment is now scheduled for Friday! Thank Goodness! (Ignore the lovely crap on the nightstand by the bed, I got that crossed off my list today as well!)

yep that's my Smelliott with Noah. Stinking up the world. Like my Dad says..."He is like an old sock. He doesn't stink till you move him!"



So after the shampooing was done and while Noah watched Star Wars, Syd and I made Rice Krispy treats. I was craving them like mad and the kids LOVE them like they love toys. So a special treat for all of us!! Syd was so darn cute, I started taking pictures left and right and found that I couldnt' stop myself. She made it hard to stop with her cute smiles and silly faces. Then Noah, of course, jumped in and I couldn't get enough of them. Seriously. Is it crazy that I love these little creatures this much?? Well, today anyway. lol.




Hamming it up as usual. They get that from both Hubby and I. We are hams, so we don't expect anything less from our kids!


Well, now that the evening is done, and I have checked in on a few of your blogs, facebook has been stalked, I am going to cuddle into my "fresh" room and read. Thanks to my Mom's recommendation, I am reading Body Surfing by Anita Shreve. It is easy reading!

Night ya'll from Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.