Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Journey continues....

Today I went with my hubby and kids to see our new niece who was born the same day I found out I lost mine. I can't describe to you how hard it was to go to the hospital, hear her excitement, and see her beautiful baby girl. There was not one minute that I wasn't happy for her, but it hurt so badly to see my kids and hubby hold her and smile at her. All I thought about was how wonderful my kids would be a new baby brother/sister. I know I will have that again. I trust in God that I will have that, but the pain is still so fresh. I need some closure. This walking around waiting is killing me even if it has been one day.

I was going to avoid going to see our new niece, but that isn't the right thing to do either. That is my family and I am ecstatic for them, as they are blessed. I held back the tears and when they began I use what I preach to my kids. Positive self-talk. The mind is amazing. As I talked and focused on my own children, I started to feel a smile on my face. I started to feel better.

As we went in for a late lunch to Cheddars, I got a returned phone call from my doctor. I asked her what prompted her to take me back for an ultrasound and she said that my urine analysis didn't come back as high as she wanted it. When I asked her if I could get an ultrasound before the D&C, she said, "You never know, I could be wrong, so yes, absolutely!" So, unless I go on my own between now and the 5th, I have a new appointment scheduled for August 5th for an ultrasound and then my D&C will be on the 6th.

That somehow helped in my healing process. Making that decision and knowing that there is a plan beyond this is helping me get through this.

I can NOT thank you all enough for your kind words, your prayers, and your shared experiences. I always thought that I was emphasizing with others. I always tried to listen and understand what they were going through, but nothing makes you understand until you go through it yourself. So, I do know now. I am sorry for all of your losses. I am sure you waiting for the same as I...to one day meet your little one in Heaven. God bless you all. And thank you. I am truly surrounded by the best people in the world!

7 comments:

Staci said...

I'm proud of you.... I know today must have been hard, but you did it.... Hugs girl! You know I am thinking of you guys :)
hugs

tracy said...

alicia, you are doing so wonderful ...you really are a tower of strength!

Cameron said...

I am proud of you too. It is very hard to be in that situation when you are sad inside and you want what they have. I know you are blessed to be with your children and I know that it was God working through them to make you smile today. One step at a time, one day at a time. Your friends and loved ones will help you get through this. We are always here for you. Love you!

That Girl said...

hugs Lisha!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

It does get easier over time. I feel so blessed to have my 2 children, that anything I went through to get them here (and there was a LOT of heartache) was totally worth it. Hang in there....it will get better.

Kelly said...

Thinking of you! You are a very tough person!! Hang in there!

supah ~d said...

oh my heart just wraps around you

my fingers can't find the right words for you


...time... that's all that helped... time...

time for new things to come , for air that is easier to breath.. for a heart that doesn't ache daily.. time...

it will come.

i'll be in touch
d