I am going to just let my thoughts flow. Some advise against it and others agree I need to talk about it, and because I am a talker, I chose to take the advice on talking. I, as you can see, am not a private person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I like to talk about how I feel at any given moment. So, here it goes.
Today I had a doctor's appointment. I went in for what was supposed to be a routine appointment to verify my pregnancy, Pap, and blood work. I have known for quite some time that I was pregnant. According to my last missed period, I am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have had many symptoms such as sore, swollen breasts, sensitive to smells, and exhausted. So, my hubby and I went in with such excitement and full of plans for this little one.
After the Pap was complete and they took the urine sample back, they seemed to be taking a long time. I looked at my husband and told him I felt like something was wrong. The nurse said she wanted me to get dressed and head to the scanner/ultrasound room. I said, "Yep something is wrong." My husband tried to reassure me that it might just be procedure. But I knew otherwise.
During the vaginal ultrasound, the doctor stated that she couldn't find the heartbeat. It seemed like such a shock. An out of body experience. I couldn't focus on what she was saying. I couldn't hear anything. Like I was in a tunnel and it was spinning. Everything from the day that I read the first home pregnancy test to that moment was spinning. I just remember looking at my husband and saying, "I don't understand. I haven't had any cramping, bleeding, nothing." The tears just started to come and they wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried.
I couldn't even think what to ask. I was so confused.
I just asked, "Now what should I expect to happen?"
Words like spontaneous miscarriage, stopped growing, D & C, and a lot of bleeding, 2 weeks difference between baby's size and how far along I am, etc etc. started flying. So, the same questions ran through my mind as they run through anyone's mind who has gone through this. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Could I have done something differently? What was wrong with the baby? Why haven't I had any symptoms? Nothing makes any sense.
I know she knew what I was thinking because she said, "There was nothing you did that caused this. It is usually something that has genetically gone wrong." But it makes it easier to believe that I could have done something differently.
On Thursday, I would have been 9 weeks if my body is correct with when I think I conceived. I sat with a friend and we went through possibilities of how this baby could be behind what I thought he/she would have been. I also researched the types of miscarriages and with mine, I am considered to have a Missed Miscarriage. It is where the body doesn't recognized that the baby has died. So, I continue to show the symptoms and will eventually miscarry or need a D & C, which I pray does NOT have to happen.
I question that my cycle could be that off and I really am only 6.5 weeks as the baby measures? In that case, is it possible that the heartbeat might not be seen yet? Considering that the month before I got pregnant I had a 42 day cycle and I could be off a couple weeks with when I ovulated. Should I even have hope that it is possible that it was too early? The doctor seemed so sure.
I trust that God has a hand in this and whatever happens is what is supposed to happen for what is best for the baby. I just went home and hugged my kids. I am blessed to have the two I have. I am thankful. It just puts things more into perspective.
So, I feel like is a walking coffin. I am walking around carrying one of loves of my life who I won't get to kiss, to hold and watch grow. This is all I get. I get to wait. Wait for more emotional pain between now and August 17th. I have a scheduled appointment in case my body doesn't "spontaneously miscarry" then we will talk to the doctor about medication or a D & C. I pray that God makes this a natural process, so I don't have to do any of that. I can't take any more . Then I have to wait 2 months of "normal" cycles to try again and then another 9 months of on-the-edge fear for my baby's life.
I now understand those of you who went through this. Who feel so helpless and so empty inside. God bless you all. God bless any of you on any week you were. 8 weeks to many is nothing, but to me the second of conception, that was a baby. It is heartbreaking no matter when it happens.
So I thank you for listening, for sharing your experiences, and for being here.