Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Walking Coffin

I am going to just let my thoughts flow. Some advise against it and others agree I need to talk about it, and because I am a talker, I chose to take the advice on talking. I, as you can see, am not a private person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I like to talk about how I feel at any given moment. So, here it goes.

Today I had a doctor's appointment. I went in for what was supposed to be a routine appointment to verify my pregnancy, Pap, and blood work. I have known for quite some time that I was pregnant. According to my last missed period, I am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have had many symptoms such as sore, swollen breasts, sensitive to smells, and exhausted. So, my hubby and I went in with such excitement and full of plans for this little one.

After the Pap was complete and they took the urine sample back, they seemed to be taking a long time. I looked at my husband and told him I felt like something was wrong. The nurse said she wanted me to get dressed and head to the scanner/ultrasound room. I said, "Yep something is wrong." My husband tried to reassure me that it might just be procedure. But I knew otherwise.

During the vaginal ultrasound, the doctor stated that she couldn't find the heartbeat. It seemed like such a shock. An out of body experience. I couldn't focus on what she was saying. I couldn't hear anything. Like I was in a tunnel and it was spinning. Everything from the day that I read the first home pregnancy test to that moment was spinning. I just remember looking at my husband and saying, "I don't understand. I haven't had any cramping, bleeding, nothing." The tears just started to come and they wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried.

I couldn't even think what to ask. I was so confused.

I just asked, "Now what should I expect to happen?"

Words like spontaneous miscarriage, stopped growing, D & C, and a lot of bleeding, 2 weeks difference between baby's size and how far along I am, etc etc. started flying. So, the same questions ran through my mind as they run through anyone's mind who has gone through this. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Could I have done something differently? What was wrong with the baby? Why haven't I had any symptoms? Nothing makes any sense.

I know she knew what I was thinking because she said, "There was nothing you did that caused this. It is usually something that has genetically gone wrong." But it makes it easier to believe that I could have done something differently.

On Thursday, I would have been 9 weeks if my body is correct with when I think I conceived. I sat with a friend and we went through possibilities of how this baby could be behind what I thought he/she would have been. I also researched the types of miscarriages and with mine, I am considered to have a Missed Miscarriage. It is where the body doesn't recognized that the baby has died. So, I continue to show the symptoms and will eventually miscarry or need a D & C, which I pray does NOT have to happen.

I question that my cycle could be that off and I really am only 6.5 weeks as the baby measures? In that case, is it possible that the heartbeat might not be seen yet? Considering that the month before I got pregnant I had a 42 day cycle and I could be off a couple weeks with when I ovulated. Should I even have hope that it is possible that it was too early? The doctor seemed so sure.

I trust that God has a hand in this and whatever happens is what is supposed to happen for what is best for the baby. I just went home and hugged my kids. I am blessed to have the two I have. I am thankful. It just puts things more into perspective.

So, I feel like is a walking coffin. I am walking around carrying one of loves of my life who I won't get to kiss, to hold and watch grow. This is all I get. I get to wait. Wait for more emotional pain between now and August 17th. I have a scheduled appointment in case my body doesn't "spontaneously miscarry" then we will talk to the doctor about medication or a D & C. I pray that God makes this a natural process, so I don't have to do any of that. I can't take any more . Then I have to wait 2 months of "normal" cycles to try again and then another 9 months of on-the-edge fear for my baby's life.

I now understand those of you who went through this. Who feel so helpless and so empty inside. God bless you all. God bless any of you on any week you were. 8 weeks to many is nothing, but to me the second of conception, that was a baby. It is heartbreaking no matter when it happens.

So I thank you for listening, for sharing your experiences, and for being here.


Sara said...

I'm SO very sorry, Lisha! I'm here to listen if you want to talk or need a shoulder to cry on. I'll say a special prayer for you this evening. I can relate to many of the feelings you are experiencing. Love you!

Lisha said...

Thank you Sara and I know you do.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear the bad news! You and Shane will be in my prayers. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

Cameron said...

Lisha my dear, like I said when we talked, I am so very sorry and knowing what it is like to go through this, please know this is nothing that you did or nothing that you could have prevented. And no matter how many months, it never makes it any easier to go through. You are right, God has a hand in everything that happens in our life and though we do not always understand it, we must put our trust in Him and He will see us though the difficult times. I am so very sad for you, I feel like it is happening all over again because I love you so much! God will give you the baby that you so very much want. I will pray with all my being that the dates are just messed up but if they aren't,there is nothing that you did to deserve this. Every action or happening in our lives makes us stronger and I know that though you are devastated by today's happenings, that you will emerge strong and someday you will be a family of five. I know God will bless you with that some day. Please know that I am here for you, any time, any day...even in the wee hours of the morning, or super late at night, just call! I am a second a way to give you a hug or sit and talk or let you talk. I am glad you used your blog to let some of your sadness out because it is what is best for you. Love you, my friend!

That Girl said...

I can relate to all of that. The what if's will you drive you crazy. I am soooo sorry that you are going through this. Before my miscarriage I never really understood a womans pain that she would go through during this time.


Kelly said...

I'm so sorry, Lisha!! I will keep you in my prayers. If it makes you feel any better. It took them until I was three months to hear a heartbeat because I am over weight it was harder to hear it. I'm here if you need anything please don't hesitate to call me.

Anonymous said...

I am sitting here crying as I'm reading this. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I know that you know I understand what you are going through and if you need to talk I'm here. I agree that a baby is a baby at conception. It doesn't matter when you lose the baby, after a few weeks or several months it is still hard. Because you have hopes and dreams for your baby from the time you first find out you are pregnant. As Todd would tell me it's not over yet. The next 3 weeks will be extremely hard, but hopefully there will be a heartbeat on the 17th.
your in my thoughts and prayers and always in my heart!

Kelly said...

I don't want you to think I am calling you overwieght by the way. I was just told a little extra weight makes it hard to hear a heartbeat at such a early stage. Chin up!!! thinking of you!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Sorry to hear about this. I've been through it 6 times (plus one ectopic where I needed emergency surgery and lost my right fallopian tube). I've never had to have a D&C - my body would miscarry on it's own. So, if you have any questions, feel free to email me. I know how horrible you feel and how traumatic all of this is.

One piece of advice for you: if you do make it to Aug. 17 and go in for a D&C - request one last ultrasound, just in case. {{{Hugs}}}

Staci said...

Oh lisha.... you know all my thoughts are with you.... I wish there was something we could all say or do that would make everything better :( Just know our thoughts and <3's are with you :( xoxo

Therese said...

Lisha- I am so very sorry! Having lost one at 5.5 weeks and another at 12 weeks, you are right...it doesn't matter how far along you are. You had hopes and dreams for that little one. My heart grieves for you. Know I will be praying for you.

becky said...

I know exactly what you are going through...I had a very similar experience before my boys were born. I had no idea that I had miscarried. You and Shane are in my prayers.

Lisha said...

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you all taking the time to read what I went through and your kind words and prayers.